Have you ever met someone who has lost all hope in finding true love? They are in and out of relationships, what seems like every weekend. They can’t seem to be happy with someone, so they never fully commit. And when asked if they have ever been in a committed relationship, their answer is always the same. “I was hurt so bad in the past that I swore I will never let that happen again!”
They build up walls around their heart.
Allowing their partner to only see and have small portions because the fear is that if they give their whole heart to someone they will be crushed all over again. So, instead of feeling that pain, they choose to remain single and talk to whoever they want and then leave when they are done.
Have you ever met someone like this or could this type of person be you?
Having no trust in a relationship is like adding a drop of poison every day. Eventually, if not treated, that relationship is going to die or be extremely unhealthy.
Most times, we don’t even know we are sabotaging the relationship by not trusting each other. We hold things back because of fear. Fear that our partner will judge us, laugh at us, or reject us. Without trust we can never really be our true self in front of them. We end up keeping them at arm’s length and accepting a semi-deep connection.
What lack of trust does to relationships:
- Brings baggage in – Unconsciously you are bringing previous relationship damage and pain in. You are viewing this relationship through broken and foggy lenses that warp your view of your partner. Thinking it’s just a matter of time till they do what everyone has done in the past. I.e. cheated on me, told me I’m not good enough, or treated me like I wasn’t a priority in their life.
- Causes Fights – When there isn’t trust, the littlest things can start an argument, fight, or cause communication to stop. When fear is involved there are two things that happen – fight, flight, or freeze. When we imagine the worst situation and keep dwelling on that thought our emotions can get out of control. You begin to question your partner’s loyalty, get angry when they don’t respond quickly enough to a text or email, and begin to believe our thoughts are reality.
- Suffocates growth – If your partner wants to do something different, change how they dress, learn a new skill, or bring any type of change you immediately think they are trying to impress someone else. You think they are getting ready to leave you, so you begin putting them down or distancing yourself from them. You begin to mentally and emotionally prepare for the end of the relationship.
What trust does to a relationship:
It is clear to see that without trust, relationships are setup for failure and leaving both people unhappy and hurt. So, the question is, “How can I build trust?”
- Recognize past trauma – We all have been in some type of relationship, romantic or platonic, that has hurt our hearts. Something someone said, did, or didn’t do left us scared. In order to move forward, you need to identify the root of that pain and make a deliberate decision that you will not bring that into your relationship. Take it one step further: When you’re ready, share that experience with your partner and explain how you are rising above the pain.
- Allow yourself to move on – Today is a new day. Don’t let your yesterdays infect your todays and tomorrows. You have the power to move on and believe that your partner is not like others. Every day make the decision to be free from past negative experiences and embrace each moment you find yourself in. We can’t go back and change anything, so we might as well learn from those mistakes and heartache.
- Let your partner in – This is the scariest step! Letting your partner see you for you and know all the good, the bad, and the ugly can cause anxiety. Letting your partner know that you are about to be completely transparent with them can help with this process. Another thing that may also make this step easier is having your partner face the other direction, so you can’t see any facial expressions that they might inadvertently make.
In order to build trust, you must be open and honest with each other. Neither of you are in the relationship to be a judge. You are with each other to support, encourage, and inspire each other to become the best version of yourselves as you can be.