One of the things couples miss most during incarceration is the physical intimacy of sex. While your partner is in prison, you are not having sex unless the institution allows conjugal visits (which is rare!) Sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship but is not the most crucial. I know it is hard to adapt to losing physical closeness. I want to share two of the most important things you need to know about sex while your partner is in prison. The two things I will share with you could save your relationship if you heed my advice!
First, do not have sex with anyone else.
I have written about this in other blogs because unfaithfulness will KILL your relationship. As soon as you bring someone else into your relationship, trust leaves. Your marriage will either end abruptly or painfully over time if you do not keep others out of your bed. Sex with someone else is the number one destroyer of marriages among the couples we have worked with, so my advice to you is to stay faithful if you want your marriage to work. If you have already made the mistake of having sex with someone else, there is still hope that you can save your marriage. However, it is a long journey back to restore trust and loyalty.
My second warning for you is to stop focusing on sex with your partner.
Stop talking about sex in every conversation you have with your man. You must keep the romance and spark alive by flirting and sharing intimate things. Still, you cannot have sex as the foundation of your relationship. I have coached many couples who focused most of their energy on building the anticipation of engaging in sexual activity together whose relationships fell apart. When you focus your interactions solely on sex, you are ignoring the foundational principles that will keep your marriage healthy.
Sex talk is fun and engaging. It is easy to revert to the one thing you both agree on; you miss having sex with each other. You should share these moments and these feelings, but not at the expense of building a solid foundation. Now is the time to focus on resolving conflict and addressing the issues that have created this experience. Consider what you have disagreed about and talk openly about your feelings and experiences. Spend time dreaming together and building a plan to achieve your goals for the future. Focus your energy on getting to know each other mentally, spiritually, socially, and emotionally. Discover your partner’s gifts, talents, and dreams. Take time to build your friendship as you develop the roadmap for your success across a lifetime together.
Couples who only focus on sex do not survive this traumatic experience over time.
They might make it through the prison part, but their relationships do not withstand the pressures they face on the other side of the gates. Sex cannot compensate for lack of connectedness. Couples who invest the energy in becoming friends and who are vulnerable with each other as they resolve issues together make it. Here is my advice if you want to thrive despite being separated by the barbed wire:
- Focus on building a strong friendship together. Get to know your partner. Discover their interests, dreams, favorite foods, etc.
- Share your dreams and develop a plan to meet your goals as a couple and family. Decide how you can support the other in your dream pursuits.
- Discuss the challenges you each face every day. Share your most significant moments by confiding what you face and the problems you must solve.
- Develop and share your faith. When you have a common belief system and religion, it will strengthen your relationship. Pray together- share your faith-involve each other in your religious pursuits.
- Flirt and sprinkle in some intimate conversations. I am not telling you to keep sex out of your relationship. I am telling you to stop talking about sex ALL THE TIME. Find the balance in your relationship that keeps the spark alive but also keeps you growing and learning about each other.
Keep investing in your relationship, especially during these difficult days, and you will reap the benefits of a robust and thriving family.
I am rooting for you!