Your husband is sentenced to prison.
This reality is played out, every minute of every day you live on the outside without him. A married woman who lives like a single woman is a strange thing indeed.
One of the most common questions I get is whether it is actually cheating on your husband if he is in prison and he gives you permission to go have sex with someone else. My answer is still, “Yes! It is still cheating, and it is being unfaithful.”
This is one of my pet peeves.
This is one of my pet peeves. It drives me crazy when a man tells his wife, “I know you have needs I cannot meet right now. Go ahead and do whatever you need to do while I am locked up, just keep a place for me when I get home. Don’t have a relationship with him, but it is OK if you need to have sex with someone while you are waiting for me.” REALLY????!!!!?? You think that is OK for him to say to you? It is not.
Honoring your partner
When a man says that to his wife/partner, the real reason he is saying that is because: 1. He is afraid he will lose you if he doesn’t give you permission to have sex with other people, OR 2. He really doesn’t have any respect for you at all. Telling someone to do something that will cause them pain and dishonor is not what love looks like. Love protects, honors, and builds up. Telling someone to have random sex with strangers says, “I think you are a whore. You cannot live without sex and you will have sex with any man who is willing. I am OK with you having sex with other people as long as you have sex with me, too.” Ugh. No woman with an ounce of self-respect wants a man to treat her like that.
Telling someone to be intimate physically, but not emotionally, is wrong on many levels.
I have seen so many relationships go south because this conversation happened, and the wife listened to her husband. She did what he told her to do. Then, either she left her husband for this other man she was having sex with; or the husband left his wife when he came home because he couldn’t get over the fact that she had sex with someone else. Rarely do they stay together—and if they do, they have a lot to work through because of the infidelity. It never turns out well when someone steps out on their partner. Not even when one of the partners is in prison.
Marriage is a commitment for better or for worse. Having your husband locked up in prison is definitely on the “worst” side of your relationship promise. But it is not just about waiting for HIM. Honestly, this is more about YOU than him. What do you really want for your life, your family, your reputation. I am sure you do not want to be the failure, loser mom who is known as the town slut because you have sex for the sake of having sex. You are working on building up your family and your family legacy. Creating a new legacy takes courage, discipline, and commitment. But it is worth the effort.
Writing your family’s legacy is a part of creating a new foundation for your family. In the past, you lived your life a day at a time—not thinking about your future or your legacy. The moments became days, the days soon became months and then years. Enough is enough.
Telling someone to be intimate physically, but not emotionally, is wrong on many levels.
If all you care about is sex, then go ahead and have sex. It will leave a hollow place inside of you and complicate your life even more than it is now. You will carry regret and shame with you into the next chapter of your life with your husband. It will likely destroy your marriage and relationship eventually. If the price is worth those few minutes of physical pleasure—well, you decide. But if you care about more than momentary pleasure, and if you want greater success in your life and relationships, this small sacrifice of physical contact will cause you to reap great benefits across your lifetime.
I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself how very grateful I am that God carried me through 15 years while Ron was in prison and kept me faithful. He gave me wisdom, courage, and protection. He will do the same for you.
Standing against the norm is never easy.
But if you give in on this major point, you will lose ground on many minor points at the same time. And your legacy will slip further away from you. Yes, I am saying it is wrong to have sex with other people any time you are in a committed relationship or marriage. You will get hurt, your partner with be hurt, and your relationship will be damaged—maybe beyond repair.
You are worth so much more. If your husband said this to you, you need to print this blog off and send it to him with a note that lets him know you are far more valuable than he knows if he actually thinks of you as a woman who is desperate for sex.
You are worth so much more!
In case you are the husband who is telling your wife you “release her to take care of her physical needs with someone else”, this message is for you: Do not ever, ever, ever say that again. Shame on you for demeaning this amazing woman who is walking alongside you and supporting you. If you cannot treat her better than this, you do not deserve her. She is a lady and it is your job to remind her of her infinite value, not to reduce her to the lowest level of an animal who cannot control its urges. You owe her an apology and you owe her the support she needs to live up to her highest potential.–
My friend, I am rooting for you!
Cathy
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14 Comments
Joshua D thompson
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Jennet Courtney
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Jed
Hello there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it is truly informative.
I am going to watch out for brussels. I’ll be grateful
if you continue this in future. A lot of people will be benefited from your writing.
Cheers!
Catherine Tijerina
Hi Jed-
Welcome to TYRO Blog! Thanks for connecting and for your kind words.
Ladyloveee
Hey I’m 23 so my boyfriend is in prison he has 6 more months to go I waited for him for two years we’ve been together for 7yrs going on 8 and in those yrs he’s been to jail 4 time doing 1 or 2yrs and I always wait for him. his my first love the things he do are stupid things that could be avoided . I feel like I’m wasting my time when I wait for him cause he always say he going to change his ways than his back in the same predicament and I’m left alone and everyone say I deserve better but I love him so much . it’s this Other guy who’s had a crush on me since forever and his been asking me out I’m very loyal to my boyfriend but I kinda want to try something new but I don’t want to lead anything on because his coming home but it’s been a lonely 2 yr and better he went to prison we was already having relationship problems . I feel like he is going to change but I have a little Doubt. And I feel like I want to keep someone close so if he do leave again I’m not lonely. I don’t know what to do ?
Keyke
girlll i wish we could talk. since he’s coming home soon, idk id say wait for him if that is who you want to be with. but if you arent sure you want to be with him.. then keep your options open and have fun. You are young!! and i just turned 28 but listen to me, girl enjoy your youth. my fiancée is incarcerated and if he doesnt get out soon, im going to be struggling with the loneliness big time.
Lafrench
I’m getting really unpatient waiting on him need advice
Catherine Tijerina
You are in a tough situation. The loneliness can be suffocating if you don’t find ways to connect to people in ways that protect your family and relationship. It sounds like your relationship was already rocky and that your boyfriend needs assistance, accountability, and new connections to change his legacy. What state is he incarcerated in? Ask him to check out the TYRO program.
If you decide to keep the other guy close “just in case”- that will definitely infect your current relationship. If you are moving on, make a clean break. Otherwise, stay put, begin an open and honest discussion with your boyfriend about your expectations and concerns. It won’t get better unless you are both fully committed to making your US a top priority. If he really wants to work it out, he will put in the effort to change and make it work. You can connect with me directly through TYRO365.com. We will be having an oblong couples class in January- if he is out and you can attend, let me know and I will scholarship you guys into the class 💕.
Isobel
My husband is in prison and everything has changed. My gut is telling me he has someone else . He used to phone and write all the time . Now he does not write and i get excuses if he does not phone. Everything in our marriage has changed. I feel his feelings ect have changed towards myself. If i ask him if there is someone else he is going to denie it and start arguments with me. He feels very distant from me. I just don’t know what to do .
Catherine Tijerina
Isobel,
You might be right— or he might be suffering depression. I know you are worried about his reaction, but you need to have a courageous conversation with him and ask him what is going on. Don’t take “everything is fine” for an answer. Gently press for the truth of what has changed.
I am rooting for you!
Cathy
Anthony Mitchell
Hello Isobel, I am a man who has spent a decade incarcerated. I have been out for almost 11 years now, (Glory be to God), but i was locked up while married to my beautiful wife for a duration of almost 10 years prior to my release. My advice to you would be to write your husband and basically let him know how you are feeling and tell him how his change in communication has been affecting you. Let him know that you are not able to accept and move forward any longer in the relationship if things persist as they have been. I would even recommend that you tell him that you are considering moving on with someone else. Trust me, if this doesn’t get his attention, provoking change, then you’ll have your answer right there as to where his head and heart truly are. I will say this: After years of being incarcerated, I have never known any other man to willingly ignore or neglect any partner wife or girlfriend, without great cause or pending circumstance. The signs don’t add up to anything positive, (if you ask me). Take it from one that knows. A man is Never too depressed to reach out and communicate with his wife or girlfriend from within those walls…, unless there’s a hidden cause for it. Keep the faith, and remember to trust your instincts. God bless. 🙏
Convict
You must be patient. Try communicating. You have to keep in mind that isolation can and will change a person. mentally and physically. There is only so much you can do in isolation before you start to lose your mind. Even with other inmates and board games, it is the very definition of insanity. Try giving him some reassurance. Some inmates get lonely after time and write to pen pals. That usually leads to relationships while incarcerated.
Anthony Mitchell
Hello Isobel, I am a man who has spent a decade incarcerated. I have been out for almost 11 years now, (Glory be to God), but i was locked up while married to my beautiful wife for a duration of almost 10 years prior to my release. My advice to you would be to write your husband and basically let him know how you are feeling and tell him how his change in communication has been affecting you. Let him know that you are not able to accept and move forward any longer in the relationship if things persist as they have been. I would even recommend that you tell him that you are considering moving on with someone else. Trust me, if this doesn’t get his attention, provoking change, then you’ll have your answer right there as to where his head and heart truly are. I will say this: After years of being incarcerated, I have never known any other man to willingly ignore or neglect any partner wife or girlfriend, without great cause or pending circumstance. The signs don’t add up to anything positive, (if you ask me). Take it from one that knows. A man is Never too depressed to reach out and communicate with his wife or girlfriend from within those walls…, unless there’s a hidden cause for it. Keep the faith, and remember to trust your instincts. God bless. 🙏
Convict
Im in the process of awaiting trial for a charge that can get me 2-`10 years. I told my wife the same thing but with some rules and some repetitive phrases and suggestions during certain scenarios or situations that can happen. The reason for the repetition of certain phrases is she remembers where home is when such a situation may come up. Hopefully it doesn’t. but we are all human and took a more honest approach. I gave her permission because I do not want to lose her. And i know even if she said she would wait, things can happen after the first six months. Urges arise and you can only hold out so long before you find yourself in a situation where you might make a mistake. We had our share of infidelity and regretted it but we always worked things out. I told her to tell me if she did do anything. I rather be in the know than the dark. It happens, humans will cheat at some point. Humans will have urges. You can only discipline yourself for so long and other may not be as strong. Rather than lose her for sure by just taking her word she would be faithful. I out lined a map of scenarios and situations that can happen and what to do when or if she finds herself in such circumstances. We take our marriage serious. Good times and bad. If you cant work past an infidelity, what does taking an oath really mean. Its better to be honest, open, and plan. I hope it works out. I planned for the worst. now I hope for the best.
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