Are you ready for the changes that are coming?
“My husband is getting out of prison!” The long-awaited day is almost here. You feel elated, excited, and nervous. So many thoughts are racing through your head. Will this change your relationship? Is he the same man that you married? Are you really ready for the changes that are coming.
You have spent years holding your family together. The visits, phone calls, and notes have woven your lives together in spite of the distance. Your children have grown and changed in more ways than you even notice because you have been a part of their daily lives. Those changes are going to become even more noticeable after your husband comes home.
Your new world, together
The time you had together during prison visits is precious time that you now will get to build off of. You will encounter tests, you and your family. One of the biggest challenges of coming home is reentering family. Your husband is about to have his entire world rocked. And it will create waves in your world, too.
Most importantly, you want to make sure those shock waves do not turn into an earthquake. Prepare yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually for all the changes that are about to happen. Even good change is stressful. You must remember that.
Homecoming
As you begin to prepare for his homecoming, make a list of the things you need to have ready before you pick him up. (I have to stop here to say, YAY!!! He is coming home!!!) This list will include the things you need to do in your home, things you need to buy, and things you need to do for him.
Lets start with the things you need to do in your home. First, clean your home so you can enjoy being together without the stress of stuff laying around. Remember to make room for his things by clearing out drawers and some closet space. Nothing says, “Welcome Home” like making room for him in every way.
We waited over 10 years for Ron to come home the first time. It seemed like a lifetime since he had lived in the same house with us. Our sons had grown from toddlers to teens. Our lives had changed so much in that decade. But we were filled with excitement when the judge…
Go shopping!
Next, make a shopping list of the things you need to buy for him. This list could be very, very long, depending on how long he has been gone. You do not have to buy everything he may need before he gets home. Take your husband shopping if you can. However, you will want to have some things purchased ahead of time. A couple of pairs of pants, 2 shirts, underwear, socks, shoes, deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush, a razor, shampoo and body wash that smells manly and clean. These things will help make him feel at home when he arrives.
Before your partner is released, there will be things that you need do. You may need to check in with the Parole authority to confirm that he will be living with you. It is also a great idea to check with the Dept of Motor Vehicles to see where his drivers license stands. Check for medical insurance applications and other benefits that need to be completed. Check into everything you can check into so you can have as much in motion as possible before he is released.
4 things you must know...
IN addition to the things you need to DO, there are also things you need to KNOW. There are 4 major things you need to know if your husband is about to be released from prison.
- Everything is about to change – again.
- You are both different now.
- Adjusting to the outside world takes time.
- It will be both everything you hoped for, and nothing you expected.
Don't assume that everything will be perfect just because he will be home.
Your entire life is about to change—it will be a wonderful change, but still a drastic change.
The day Ron came home was a dream come true after being gone for 11 years. A dream with a lot of challenges, but a dream nonetheless. We had to learn to live together as different people than we had been more than a decade before. Our children were no longer small, they were now teenagers. We took each challenge, one at a time, and found creative ways to make those challenges our strength.
It was not easy, but it was so much easier than learning to live without him had been. We approached his reentry together as a team. I never thought of it as his experience, it was our experience. We were on the same side and committed to making sure we resolved problems, talked about issues, and shared our feelings with each other.
This is a super exciting season as you get to know each other again. My best advice: Do not let the little things destroy what you have built over all of this time. Work it out together and grow stronger every day.
He is coming home!! Congratulations! A whole new chapter is about to begin—write it together.
I am rooting for you!
Cathy
24 Comments
TYROME LEWIS
So I have been in an active relationship with a person that is incarcerated for the past 4 years. He is set to come home in 129 days. Excited, anxious and a little scared, I begin to have a few mini panic attacks in anticipation of him being comfortable when he arrives. Since the beginning, I had this plan. So, as I have these panic attacks, I start to search for advice online just in case Im missing something. There is a part of me that feels lik eI am forgetting something important. But this blog puts me in the calming space of knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be. My plan is EXACTLY whats listed here and I am on point. For that, I want to thank you for putting this out there for me.
Catherine Tijerina
Congratulations! Glad this was helpful. Let me know if you have any other questions I can help with.
Enjoy the journey and the process of learning to be together on the outside 🙂
I am rooting for you!
Cathy
Vaness
My husband and I have been together since age 17. We lived together for ten years and have a daughter. She was 8 when he got in trouble. He was sentenced to 17 years. After an off/on struggle I decided to marry him. He has 2-3 years left (depending on programs he takes. We are 39 and the love of each other’s lives. We get family visits which has allowed us to share our time together before he’s out. Our time feels like it did before on our best days, we’re super close but I still worry about keeping things the way they are now. We may get moody or annoy each other but we have a beautiful bond and our love life/intimacy during our family visits is amazing and romantic. I just want to continue to stay on this track but fear the stresses of the real world as well.
Janet
I do have some questions
My fiance got home about a week ago,, He was only in for 9 mo. but its still hard.. while in prison I spoke with him 4 times a day and each time he told me how much he adored me. Always talked about sex.. and how beautiful I was. Now that he is out, I get nothing.. Sex isnt even talked about.. we had it 2 times in 1 week… its hard because it used to happen every day before he went in. Also, He has selective hearing and He also ignores me a lot. I have to get his attention by touching his arm to get his attention. And even then he mumbles… When I question him about things he gets mad and says im overthinking and everything is and I need to stop. He rarely does anything like he used to .such as. hold me in bed or hold my hand. Is this normal to do?? please help! Thank you
Monique Perry
Hi Janet. Were you able to get any of the issues you are having resolved?
Catherine Tijerina
Hi Janet-
How are things with your husband now? I don’t know how I missed your comment. I am so sorry.
It sounds like he was having a really tough time adjusting after the trauma of prison. This, pushing others out and isolating, is one of the ways men try to cope with the stress of leaving prison and readjusting to society. If it doesn’t start improving within a month or two, we recommend seeking professional assistance- coaching or counseling. Let me know how things are going now.
Cathy
Tamara Light
My husbands been in 17 years we’ve been married 5. We are fighting an appeal now and have court Friday. Hoping he’ll be able to be out soon. Lately I’ve been scared that maybe we won’t be as in to each other as we were in prison, we met while incarcerated. Maybe it’s self sabotage but I’m scared. Any tips ?
Catherine Tijerina
Hi Tamara-
It is completely normal to be nervous about this change! His release will be a huge transition, but if you both commit to working through all the bumps, talking together openly but kindly, and dating each other on this side of the walls- you can build an amazing life together. It will be different, but it can be so much more than when he was in prison. Fight for your time to connect, it will be so easy to let time get away from you in the midst of all the busyness of reentry. Hold hands every day, kiss every morning and night, and laugh together daily and you will be fine! I am rooting for you!
Cathy
Chrissy
Hi!
My husband will be home in 8 mos. He has served 12 yrs and we have been married 5 yrs… For the last 6 months all we do is fight and I am so concerned about how things will be when he gets home. I find he has been manipulating situations and self absorbed. I’m not sure if this is his coping mechanism to his fears of coming home and the new life he will need to adjust to. I do have counseling set up for him and us when he gets home… but I’m almost considering walking away before he even gets out. So confused!
Catherine Tijerina
Chrissy-
It is hard to tell whether it is the stress of his upcoming release or if it is something else. Getting counseling ready is a great idea. I also recommend that since you are struggling in your relationship, you should not have him return directly to your house. Live apart, date, work on building a healthy relationship together on the outside while you live in different homes. After you have built a strong relationship foundation, you can transition into living under the same roof.
Mrs. Vargas
I’ve been reading and crying all week… trying to find something that’s similar to our situation. I married my husband while he was incarcerated. We were seeing each other almost two years before hand. He was loving, sweet, kind. 17 months in on a three year sentence (his 1st time ever in prison @ almost 50 years old) he gets out. I too was scared, happy, emotional and just a wreck. It’s been since Easter Sunday that I picked him up, and I’ll say this, he’s not my husband. He gets so upset, ignores me, won’t touch me, keeps his distance from me at all costs. Yesterday was a great day, then today, I’m back to feeling like I’ve done something wrong. I find myself yelling at him to talk to me… but nothing. No communication at all on his end. I miss my husband. I really hope this doesn’t last long, I would hate to end things. Help please 🙏🏼
Catherine
Mrs Vargas- I am so sorry that you guys are struggling. On top of adjustments that are a normal part of reentry, you and he are also having to deal with all of the constraints from the COVID19 pandemic. We have some live FB meetings (that are also recorded) that I think could be really helpful. You can join our facebook group here. Go to Facebook, and search Tijerina Tips to find us. Also, Ron is happy to talk with your husband as he works through the challenges he may be facing right now. Ron’s number is 419-439-3025.
Kay
I have been married to my husband 21 years next week. He has been incarcerated for the last 5. We had a very strong family prior to his arrest. He was a police officer and we had a seemingly normal life. He was always the. EST husband and incredibly supportive. He is released in 14 days to halfway house. I am more nervous than excited and the same for our children . They are now 13 and 19. I am not sure how to help them
Or help myself with this fast approaching transition. The children and I have “ our” world…. not sure how to make this all work..
catherine
Hi, Kay!
What you and your children are feeling is completely normal. You have every right to be nervous about the changes that are coming. You have all changed over the past 5 years, and things will not–cannot– go back to the way they were before this prison experience. And that is OK. Your family can be even stronger, more resilient, and closer than ever before. But it won’t happen by accident, and it won’t happen overnight. It will take time to adjust and find your new normal together as a family. Be patient, make time for open and honest communication daily, commit to working out the details and you will find a way to bridge to each other. Remind yourself and your children that this will be an adjustment that is worth the effort you will put into it. Your family is worth fighting for, resolve that you will rebuild your new world together.
LaRen
Sadly, we got engaged a year before my fiance’ made his terrible mistake. The year we had planned to marry, we thought everything was going great. Nope, the enemy had other plans. In that same year, we found out that we were pregnant. I was 5 months pregnant with our son. My fiance’ got 15 years for nothing and missed out on the birth of our son and other things. I use to feel a sense of resentment from him in our conversations and he was very insecure. He is due to come home next year and I am excited but scared. We use to have phone sex but I didn’t care for it. I want him and I hope he’s ready for me. I vowed a life of celibacy after I had my tubes tied. He wasn’t happy about that but I was depressed and stressed trying to take care of 3 kids at the time. He has never met our son face-to-face, they’ve talked on the phone and I’ve sent many pictures. A lot of times I feel guilty that I couldn’t get him out. Our love is stronger than it’s ever been. I just want to be prepared for what’s to come.
Catherine Tijerina
Hi, LaRen!
Do you have a your husbands “outdate” yet? This is the year! how exciting for you and your family. It is a challenge and it will be a huge adjustment. Do your best to get connected to a support system as he returns. Please let us know how we can help support you through this transition.
I am rooting for you!
Cathy
Melody Junelynn Austin
My husband is comming home in 6 months he has been gone for 24 years I am living in a different county then where he has been paroled too this is his second prison sentence the first time when he came home he was not what I expected would rather watch porno then have sex with me we had a few counseling session but are really going to need more this time cell phones google on computer was not even around things have changed so much we are going to have to get him a transfer to my county
Catherine Tijerina
Melody-
Transitions are really hard. Sex is a part of the adjustments. remember, sexual intimacy requires vulnerability and that can be a hard transition after prison. In prison, he could not afford to allow himself to be vulnerable in any way. You are right, you will need support, encouragement, coaching and maybe counseling. We have a great course online called Couple Communication. I highly recommend you and your husband take this with us. We offer it live-streaming and on-demand. The benefit of attending the live-streaming is advantage of being able to ask questions and connect directly with us.
In addition, approach this as a journey that will take time. You will need to work together to create a new culture in your home and relationship. Things will be different– but this can be a wonderful new beginning. Please let me know if you have any other questions.
I am rooting for you!
Cathy
Kali
I am in love with someone who has around 13 years left. We met when we were kids and we were friends then and when we were 16 we fell in love with each other. Our worlds were very different so I ended things. We didn’t talk for a few years and last year he got in contact with me from prison by asking his sister to get ahold of me. We started off just being friends and catching up with each other and now we are in a complicated situation. I love him with my entire being and he loves me the same. He’s always saying how no matter what happens he sees me in his future. And he tells me he loves me all the time and how much he cares for me. We’ve wrote each other, been messaging each other, he calls me all the time, and we’ve had one video visit. He’s the love of my life but idk what to do cause everyone tells me to leave him alone and continue my life but I only want him even if it means we will be struggling a little bit when he gets out.. I just need advice because I really love this man and I just want it to be worth it
Catherine Tijerina
Hi Kali-
Thanks for reaching out to me. I am glad to give you my thoughts about how you should proceed. First, it is really important that you understand that if you are committed to making this relationship work, you must be prepared to work hard together. The best way to proceed is just like you would if he were outside of prison. Date. Get to know each other and explore the possibilities of your future together. Do not jump into living together or getting married. Spend time adjusting to your new relationship on the outside. He will have a lot to adjust to as he re-enter society, so take it slow. Too many times couples rush into a living arrangement that doesn’t allow each other the time needed to adjust to each other and learn more about the other person’s habits and interests. It sounds like you have a great start at laying the foundation for a future together. Keep building together and see what the future holds 🙂
I am rooting for you!
Cathy
Maria
I met this guy when i was 15 . i ended up getting pregnant by him and few months after baby was born i was pregnant again. He got incarcerated few months before my second child was born. He got sentenced to 10 years. I moved out of state to be with mt family. While i was in a different state we would still talk to each other every single day. I was just getting tired of him being insecure. I would do everything for him and he never said thank you. So i decided to move on. I met another guy and had a kid with him. But things didn’t work out. Last year i started talking to my first baby daddy again and he decided that we can leave the past in the past and he would accept my daughter as his own. He is getting released in 2 months. I don’t know if im doing the right thing by giving it another chance after i had a kid with someone else.
Catherine Tijerina
Hi Maria,
There is a lot to consider because you have 3 children who will be affected by the decisions you make. My advice is to TAKE IT SLOWLY. if you think there is a possibility of building a healthy, thriving relationship with him, start by dating and getting to know each other. You are both different people. Also, reentry is a difficult time. He will be experiencing a lot as he adjusts to the pace of life on the outside. Rushing into an intimate relationship right away is not wise. Go slow. Do not move in together. Ask yourself if you might want to spend the rest of your life with this man after every date. Trust your gut and protect your children at all costs. It will take him about a year to get into the routine of life on the outside. Be friends first, date and see where that road leads. I am rooting for you.
Olivia
My Fiancé is coming home from a 9 month sentence in 35 days! I’m more stressed about him coming home than I’ve been excited. We talk almost everyday with an exception of two months we could only write and it was very hard to actually communicate. I just found out i was pregnant around the same time he left, and I’m due the same week he comes home. Im worried about not being able to get our relationship stable again and get used to living together after being in my own routine- working and paying bills- struggling… with our son being born around the time he comes home. We plan on moving into a bigger place, getting married, etc… our relationship overall has been strong and healthy through his entire time away. We are great together, but knowing that things wont be easy terrifies me. I’ve wanted nothing but for him to be home for months, and now that its getting so close, I’m freaking out!! Im hoping we can continue on the same level of love and commitment/communication as we have learned to over the last 8 months.
Catherine+Tijerina
Hi Olivia!
The way you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. You are on the verge of a lot of changes with the arrival of your son and the return of your fiancé. I think you would be wise to consider taking the reentry of your man slowly and in stages. Instead of living together right away, perhaps he could live somewhere else while you both readjust to each other and work toward marriage. This would allow each of you to adjust to each other and work on developing your relationship into a thriving, lifelong, and mutually satisfying relationship. We have a lot of program resources that can help make the transition easier, so please let me know if you need anything. I am rooting for you! –
Cathy
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