Change is inevitable.
Time changes everything and everyone. We don’t get to decide IF we will change, but we do get to decide which path of change we will take. There is a lot about life that is out of our control. And when you’re dealing with prison, there is even more that is out of your control. You no longer get to decide when you will see each other, how long you will kiss, where you will sit together……well, you get the picture. When prison is part of your family, it is hard to imagine how anything good can come from the experience. But I promise you, it can.
Time changes everything and everyone. We don’t get to decide IF we will change, but we do get to decide which path of change we will take. There is a lot about life that is out of our control. And when you’re dealing with prison, there is even more that is out of your control. You no longer get to decide when you will see each other, how long you will kiss, where you will sit together……well, you get the picture. When prison is part of your family, it is hard to imagine how anything good can come from the experience. But I promise you, it can.
"Overcoming prison means living free from anger, resentment, bitterness, and regret." - Catherine Tijerina
We have talked about Cycles of Self-Destruction, and now I am sharing with you how to create Cycles of Self-Improvement. In my recent blog posts, I described the first three steps in building a new legacy: Recognize, Renew, and Rebuild. You might be thinking that this sounds like a lot of effort. You are right. It will take a lot of effort for you and your family to make sure this is an event in your lives and not a lifestyle. Overcoming prison means living free from anger, resentment, bitterness, and regret. It is living up to your potential and taking pride in the fact that you conquered the challenge.
I have said it before. It is not prison that makes you better; it is what you decide to do during this terrible chapter in your life. You can keep repeating the same cycles of pain and disappointment and become more and more bitter, or you can change your legacy. It will take both you and your husband or significant other staying committed to going through this whole process. Change is going to happen anyway, so you might as well set the course for it.
I am not who I want to be….yet.
As you are working toward rebuilding your reputation, relationships, and your radius of influence, you are actually moving into the next level of self-improvement – Reinvent. Reinventing yourself is a journey of self-improvement and learning across your lifetime. When someone stops becoming, it is because they have lost hope for a better future. When you were a child, you were always looking forward to the next level. It is natural to long to become an even better version of you. Ask a child how old they are, and they will tell you the years and how close they are to the next year, “I am 4 now, but I will be 5 in 10 months!” A child will always volunteer what they are working toward as well, “I am practicing to become a ……,” they proudly profess. But somewhere along the way, we become afraid to announce our desire to keep getting better. Why do we stop looking forward to the next level and settle with where we are at in our growth? We get discouraged and dissuaded by others. It is easier to pretend that we can stay the same. The truth is if we stay the same, we are left behind, and everything changes anyway. Instead of accepting this as the best we are going to be, we need to look at our lives as opportunities to become better. I am not who I want to be….yet.
"I was no longer the helpless mother on welfare, but I was now a strong and productive woman filled with confidence." - Catherine Tijerina
Reinventing yourself simply means that as you learn and apply new skills, you do things differently than you did before. It sounds so simple, but it is powerful in creating a strong legacy. I didn’t even realize I was reinventing myself until someone pointed out how strong and capable I had become. They had always seen me as docile and dependent, so they were so surprised that I was running my house, a business, and Ron’s case. I remember feeling surprised and then pleased. My hard work was paying off! I was no longer the helpless mother on welfare, but I was now a strong and productive woman filled with confidence. YES! I didn’t let others define who I was; I had defined my own life.
Defining yourself is what reinventing is all about.
If you do not take control and power over what you can control, someone else will create your future for you. I guarantee it won’t be the future you deserve. You really do have the power and ability to change the course of your life. Taking one step at time, you will be amazed at how far you will have gone in just a few months. Your family is at stake. You and your husband must purposefully leverage every opportunity to change for the better. You will find that your entire world will shift as you invest in creating the culture you want for yourself and your family.
I need to warn you about the things that will keep you from Reinventing your future.
Not everyone is rooting for your family to make it! We have had many support us, but we have also had many people try to keep us down. Someone once told us, “Who do you think you are? You forgot your place. You were a welfare mother, and your husband is a convict!” That stinging insult came the day after we were invited to the White House because of our accomplishments. Never, never, never let what someone else says about you deter you from living up to who you are.
Here are the biggest traps you will need to avoid:
- Others who don’t want you to change. They are comfortable with you in your brokenness and are intimidated when you don’t need them in the same way.
- Fear of failing. One of the biggest challenges you will face is your own fear. Keep in mind that failure is not final, and it is not fatal. I have learned more from “failing” than succeeding.
- Prejudice from society. People tend to label and judge others, so they don’t have to look at their own shortcomings. Those people are going to talk about you anyway, so let them talk while you change your world.
- Getting stuck in any of the phases of self-destruction. It will sabotage your future. Be mindful of your actions and stay focused on your future.
As you practice new things in your life, you are forming new habits. These new habits begin to overtake old habits, and before long, they are a permanent part of who you are. By learning mindfulness, emotional self-awareness, and personal responsibility you are becoming empowered to face any challenge. You are now capable of becoming whoever you choose to become. You are aware of the power you have to determine your future.
Discover the new you
This is a powerful process, and its effects on your children cannot be overstated. Children are empowered to withstand the pressures in their environment and are deeply influenced by the modeling of positive decision-making by their parents. As you and your children’s father reinvent your lives, you are bringing that transformation along with new opportunities to your children.
Discover your new legacy
Someday, you will have become what you had hoped you could be, and your children will be witnesses to your perseverance, as well as beneficiaries of a new legacy. One of my proudest moments was when I watched the transformation affect our children. They went from avoiding talking about their parents for fear of rejection, to proudly sharing who their parents were. Our reputations went from a badge of dishonor to a badge of honor for them.
Your potential is worth living up to. Encourage your husband to stay on this journey with you. I will be sharing the final phase in my next blog post. I can’t wait to tell you about it!
I am rooting for you!